This is behind a cut, so that I don't bring negative stuff onto your friends pages.
I've been going through some major things the past year, dealing with sexual post traumatic stress disorder being the biggest thing. A little over a week ago I hit a big issue in therapy and I was trying to deal with that this past week, feeling like I could be on the verge of finally breaking through something that has had a hold onto me, changing who I am in such a negative way over the past fifteen years. But, then the universe decided I wasn't juggling enough and wanted to test me. It threw another ball into the ones I was just learning to juggle with a rhythm that felt okay. I wasn't so stressed anymore and I was beginning to actually see the beauty in what I was doing. But, then WHAM! In comes the other ball at me so fast that it knocked me off my feet and all the balls can bouncing down all around me.
I feel like I'm miserably failing the test, feeling a depression that is different from any I've felt in the past. This one isn't a numbing, dull one where I feel like I'm walking in a fog, forcing myself to do things to appear alive and well. This one has me feeling overly emotional, crying too much, not able to hide it from anyone (maybe this is a healthier kind of depression? I don't know). And when I'm not crying I'm feeling hungry. I mean REALLY hungry--my stomach growling, feeling like I really need to eat. I think of the most unhealthy things that I want to eat...cheese, pizza, popcorn loaded up with so much melted butter that it drips from my fingers, etc. So, I try to eat other things to move beyond that craving, because I know I don't WANT those things. I'm not so messed up that I actually convince myself that I want those things...I know it's some kind of unhealthy emotional craving. But, I eat and eat to fill that emotional side, trying to stuff it and shut it up. I feel sick from eating too much yesterday. My stomach is hard and full, not able to digest all that I ate (even if it was all raw).
In the past I did eat for emotional reasons. When my mother died I went on a chocolate binge, also drinking soda. Now I'm eating stuff that is healthier for my body, but it's still unhealthy to eat this way. :-(
Below, we have included the original comments from this blog post. Additional comments may be made via Facebook, below.
On April 8, 2007, wrote:
I'm so sorry you're hurting...
I love you.
On April 8, 2007, wrote:
Thank you. I love you, too. xoxoxo