I didn't come for June to write anything down, but for May I lost zero pounds. Yep, zero. I think it was from a combination of all the stress I was going through coupled with me trying to eat mostly fruit. Fruit, no matter how healthy it's supposed to be for people, tends to make me retain/gain weight. If all that I read about PCOS/IR is true, then eating only fruit even if I'm a healthy weight will cause me to gain. So, I learned my lesson. Even if fruitarians look vibrant and very healthy and alive, it just isn't right for me (at least not at this point in my life). I love greens, so why should I force myself to love fruits when it's not what I'm drawn to right now?

Anyway, I lost zero in May. Then at the beginning of this month (July), I weighed in at 150. So, I lost more than four pounds, once I started eating greens again. It's now almost half way through July and I haven't lost anything, yet. I have been eating a lot more nuts and fats, so maybe I'm at a point where I can't lose as easily without exercising and watching what I consume. I don't know. It's all so fascinating.

I'm going friends-only on this journal from now on. I went back and changed some of the latest posts to friends-only because things I was sharing were being warped by some close friends. One thing that was misunderstood was me saying that I have a sluggish digestion, which was taken to mean that I am constipated (and therefore anorexic !). I've never been constipated except a few times when I was a kid that I remember. Never in my adult life have I ever been constipated. I've eaten very healthy most of my life, so that problem never happened for me. When I said my digestion is sluggish, I meant that food doesn't leave my stomach for a long time--it seems to just sit there. The holistic doctor I see thinks that I have low stomach acid. As for anorexia, I am into living a *healthy* life and starving myself is certainly not something I consider healthy.

Anyway, I've made the changes necessary for myself. I am leaving the negative stuff in the past. I have forgiven those friends for their cruelty that they never recognized, even though they don't ask for forgiveness. I still love them, I just can't be friends with them, anymore. I am thankful for the beautiful times we shared together and I will always hold the positive memories close to my heart.

I can understand why they've behaved this way, knowing that they are just reacting. They weren't used to me speaking up and telling them that they hurt my feelings. When they chose to disregard my hurt feelings, as though my feelings weren't important, that's when I realized they aren't really the kind of friends I need/deserve. I don't hate them, and it hurts to know that they hate me (even though I know they hate because they are hurt).

It will take time, since we were all so connected (as families, not just friends), to feel okay about this whole thing. I talked about it with some other friends and the therapist I see; I haven't been keeping my feelings locked inside (as I used to do), so it shouldn't make my life miserable. I'm still able to do things, have fun, etc., without feeling depression overtake everything in my life. I will be fine. Even though it's hard and painful, I know I've made the right decision. I know this decision is going to help me be an even happier person in the future.

Change is difficult so many times, but life is ever changing and it's the cycle of how things are meant to go. No matter how much I love them, this change is necessary (for me, as well as them).