I am extremely thankful for sleep. I can't imagine striving to sleep only four hours a night. Jim always says he wishes he didn't have to sleep, that he's wasting his life when he sleeps. For me, I've always loved sleeping. I feel so great after I wake up. Not only that, I thoroughly enjoy dreaming. I wouldn't want to miss out on the amazing dream life I've been able to enjoy while I sleep.
Last night I went to bed early, since I had a headache. I'm so thankful for sleep because it allowed my body to work through the detox I was experiencing on this mono meal eating. I woke feeling well and it was a great day today!
Following is my next update on my 9-days of mono meal eating for Navratri. I have been putting these updates behind a "read more" cut because they tend to be long and I don't want them to overwhelm anyone who's used to my shorter blog entries, or not interested in following the mono meal eating.
So, here's the next update...
April 10, 2008
Today is a bright, sunny day. It s amazing what a little sleep can do for a person! It was a tough day/evening yesterday. I ve moved beyond that, however, and here I am continuing with my goal of 9 days mono eating for Navratri.
I woke with extreme thirst. I drank a large amount of water. My tongue wasn t very pink and it was lightly coated. I had slight intestinal bloating and tiny hives on the right side of my neck and jawline that were very itchy. I sat to meditate, but I was too cold and wanted to sleep, instead. My abdomen was bloated and I felt/looked dehydrated. The skin on my neck was loose and my eyes were sunken in with dark circles (not extremely dark, though). I was happy that I didn t have a headache any more. I drank another large amount of water and went back to bed.
My mind was active, recalling various things (particularly a discussion Jim and I had about how different we are). Then I closed my eyes and there he was: the Gorilla. This wasn t a dream; I was still awake. I was remembering for some strange reason the gorilla from the zoo. I felt his sadness, his despair, and I cried. I knew at that moment that this was an emotional detox and I needed to allow myself to feel the pain that I had suppressed in the past when I saw him. We were at the zoo with some guests. I love the animals, but the zoo is always a sad place for me. It s unnatural to have the animals living in captivity. Anyway, the gorilla and I have met before. This time it was harder to see him than in the past. For some reason my empathy was stronger at that particular moment than it normally is (and that s saying something, since I am always feeling what others are experiencing around me). I felt his despair and my body wanted to collapse onto the ground in front of him and forget about all of the life around me. The part of myself that wasn t fully connected to him, that observed the empathy instead of feeling it, needed to sob. It was extremely difficult to not cry, but I knew I needed to stay silent. There was already too much stress in the air within our little group, I didn t need to be causing any more by all of a sudden sobbing uncontrollably. So, as I ve learned to do since I was very young, I stuffed it deep inside and forced myself to continue on with my day.
There it all was, however, last night. I closed my eyes and the gorilla was there. I felt his despair, his isolation, and I felt my own sorrow at seeing him in that state. I cried, releasing the feelings I should never have kept inside. I fell asleep not long after that.
I woke up, but didn t get out of bed. I had that feeling that sometimes comes when I oversleep a slight buzz in the head, a feeling of being slightly disconnected. Eventually I became more present and focused, however, and began my day. I ate 2.5 cups of cucumber, but had a feeling that it wasn t good for me to continue with the cucumber until dinner. So, I decided I d consume celery until dinner.
I got ready for my therapy session. I washed and chopped up an entire bunch of celery and put it into a bag. I nibbled on it while heading to my session, and then ate more of it on the way home. In the session I shared with doctor what had happened with the gorilla. I told her that I almost felt like I was being caged and held in a way, too. This is something I ve been working on, breaking free from whatever is keeping me from truly being myself and happy. Most of the bonds are self-created, I ve realized. Anyway, I sobbed a lot when I was sharing my feelings about the gorilla. Afterward she asked me how I felt about the gorilla. This is a technique I think she uses. She tests to see if you are still holding on to something, or if it no longer affects you (if you cry, it s still there). Anyway, I felt light and not bothered by the memory of the gorilla. I said it s kind of funny, while also not being funny. I closed my eyes and here was this gorilla looking at me with his empty, yet also very deep, eyes. That s kind of funny, right, that I closed my eyes and there was a gorilla there? But, then it s not so funny at the same time. I have released the emotion from that day at the zoo, even though I still feel sorry for the gorilla.
I am finishing up the celery. I have decided that the rainbow color order isn t going to work right now. My next food color should be blue or violet, but the bananas are ripe and calling to me. So, it will be bananas for dinner! Yay! I am looking forward to the heavy feeling that comes from bananas. I know in a way it s an emotional thing using the weight of the food to keep me from feeling so much. But, that s the stage I m at right now in my life. I m not ready to face all of the demons head on, yet. I d rather let them out of their cages one at a time.
It s early, still, but I want to eat and it s not celery I want. So, I m ending my cucumber/celery part of the day and eating bananas!!! Oh, I m looking forward to 24 hours with bananas!
I was surprised that I was full after only four bananas, earlier. I can usually eat seven in one sitting, and many more not long after that. This time it was only four. I don t like the idea that my stomach was shrinking, since I need it to stay bigger so that I can get enough calories each day after the mono eating is completed. I m eating some more bananas now. This is much easier than cucumbers!
Total Expense for cucumbers consumed: $11.43
Total Expense for celery consumed: $2.89
Well, I think my notes throughout the day covered how I m doing. I feel great this evening, and felt pretty good most of the day. It was a strange emotional detox with the memory/stored emotions about the gorilla, wasn t it? Mentally, I m prepared to continue with the mono meals. Physically, I still feel bloated and I still have a small bit of hives on my neck and jawline. They aren t noticeable to others, but I feel them there and they itch a little bit. My shoulder no longer hurts today and I m thankful that the headache left in the middle of the night. Spiritually, I am at peace some of the day and at other times my mind kind of takes over.
Below, we have included the original comments from this blog post. Additional comments may be made via Facebook, below.
On April 10, 2008, wrote:
Oh...I really get your emotion over the gorilla. I get so mournful over the gorilla family members at the zoo...I totally feel their energy and I get that same sadness you speak of. They are so much like us....I'd bring them all home if I could, but that wouldn't make it any better for them. You are such a dear, tender soul.
Love to you!
On April 11, 2008, wrote:
Oh, and you, too are a dear, tender soul. I was just telling Dea the other day that I think I'm not the only empath in our sweet little raw food community. I mentioned you as definitely being an empath, as well. I don't doubt it in the least bit after reading this comment from you.
I love you, Penni!