I'm still feeling tired, mostly in my eyes. The weather has been dreary off and on, so that could be the problem. Anyway, I'm happy to say that my inner desire to go raw hasn't seemed to decrease in any way at all. In fact, I have a feeling that I'm at one of those points that people who succeed always talk about. They say things like, "I just knew it was the right time," or "Somehow it just worked this time," or "You'll know it's the right time when it comes." This is the right time for me, I just know it. That feels so wonderful!

What helped me get to this point? I'm not sure. I know it wasn't just one thing, though. Things have kind of been building on top of each other for a long time. The most recent things would be reading a book called Simple Living by Janet Luhrs. She had a course offered through Barnes & Noble, so I signed up for it. I didn't complete the class that first time (I signed up again later for it), but I *did* fall in love with the book. In the book she talked about simple eating. Just about everything in that book struck a cord with me...waking up something inside that has always been there, only half awake most times. Going through therapy is another thing. Somehow, working out stuff that's been stuffed inside me since I was four years old is allowing me to open up other areas of my life, too. I think I'm outgrowing the protective mold I've created for myself (one that was phsyical (gaining weight and making sure I didn't stand out in any way), emotional (not sharing my emotions with many people, many times not even with myself), spiritual (numbing myself and just going through life not feeling connected to anyone or anything)). Having large blocks of time, away from home, this summer helped me, also. As my daughter was in her summer classes, I was able to read and work on things that I've been thinking about. I was able to write, filling up so many pages with what was in my head. I was able to plan and to dream of what direction I wanted my life to go in.

Before all of that, though, there were times when I'd get a feeling that things were changing. I've written a few times in my personal journal about times when I feel like I'm waking up, breaking free from a mold, crying out my birthing cry. On a spiritual level, sometime during the past year I had an experience where I felt my other half came and joined with me. It's hard to explain, and pretty "out there" to many, I'm sure. Anyway, I didn't feel like part of me was missing anymore. I used to think I needed to be connected with another person to be complete, but now I know that isn't true. I am now complete within myself. Perhaps this completeness is what is enabling me to become truly who I am inside. I'm not saying that I don't love my husband or that he isn't my other half in so many ways. Without his love and understanding I might not be moving along this path so easily.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go on like that. :-P

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FEELING:

Well, I think my long post, above, sums it all up pretty well. My shoulder has been hurting a bit the past two days and I was spotting a little bit (yesterday ). I'm feeling a bit out of it this week, with moments of clear headedness and spurts of energy. I feel like a car that's sputtering and not quite sure if it's going to stall or get going. Of course, I know that I'm going be moving along...I'm just a bit tired now and then. Maybe my blood test results will give some reasoning for the tiredness.

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LEARNING:

* Working with raw recipes, looking through raw books.

* Reading raw info that comes in through my email.

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EATING:

Yesterday I had a coconut shake, beans and rice with salsa, guac, and lettuce (not organic and the beans and rice were cooked, of course), some raw broccoli with lots of garlic, some oil and salt and lemon, a fruit smoothie, small piece of onion "bread" that was leftover.

* Coconut shake with carob (I'm having a very tough time giving these up in the morning--I love them for their taste, convenience, and the B vitamins)

* Sandwich with the last of the onion bread (cucumber, seed cheese, tomato, lettuce, onion), also had some celeriac sliced and I ate some of it as the "bread" to hold another few small sandwiches. ;-)

* Beans and rice with salsa, lettuce, onions, peppers, salad, rice flour tortilla, green salsa made with tomatillos, peach cooked with beans, frozen fruit dessert (this is what is planned for this evening)--all organic, but some of it is cooked.