I hate the passive aggressiveness that I am living with. My husband, who's a very nice guy most of the time, is extremely passive aggressive. The more the years go by, the more I see it on a day-to-day basis. What he said last night really pissed me off.
We went to the home of a dear friend to drop off some things for her and also to borrow her Excalibur dehydrator and vegetable sprially kind of hand cranked machine. I told my family a day or two earlier that I was planning on eating healthier and cutting out more and more unhealthy foods. I didn't want to scare them with the whole raw foods thing, again, since my husband was completely against it the first time and our daughter loved it, but craved cooked food to the point that she felt guilty for wanting it. It was at that point, when I realized she was having an internal struggle over wanting something that she felt was bad that we started eating cooked foods again.
Anyway, so I worked it into a conversation that I was planning on eating healthier. At that point my husband made some sort of snort noise and implied that the juicing we have been doing and the salads should be enough. I didn't say anything, but saw that he was already putting up a negative energy about what I said. He's a meat and potatoes guy at heart who's living with a vegetarian, so I tend to not argue as much about this issue with him. He eats vegetarian in the house and also when we eat out a lot of the time, but he still eats meat and lots of dairy and "refined" foods. But, last night he really pissed me off.
We were driving back from our friends' home and he asked if I was planning on going raw 100%--was that my goal? I was silent for a moment, trying to think up a clever way to not disguise the fact that I was, indeed, planning on becoming a life-long raw foodist. I couldn't think of anything to say, other than, "Yes. That's my ultimate goal." At this point his negative energy is so thick in the car that I can hardly breathe. Instead of telling me how wrong he thinks it is, how he doesn't want me to do it, and whatever else was going on in his head, he starts talking about eating dirt. He says that people go from eating meat, to realizing they can just eat what the animals eat to get their nutrition. Then the next thing you know they are eating dirt instead of the plants, since that's where the plants get their nutrients. He's being so passive about what he wants to say, but I know what he's saying because he's said it in the past. He doesn't like that I was a vegetarian who thought being a vegan was better. Then he didn't like that I was a vegetarian/vegan who thought eating only organics was better. He has said in the past that I go from one extreme to the next...vegetarian, vegan, raw foodist, and the next step is to go to only the foods that I can consume right there where they grow, and from there to only the fruits that fall from the tree naturally. Now, however, he's adding to the progression by saying that dirt is the final stage in my quest to be a healthier human being.
I told him I was pissed about what he said. I also pointed out that the plants don't only get their nourishment from the soil, they get it from the rain and sun, too. He quickly saw that it was the wrong thing to be saying, so he completely tried to change the subject. He went on and on about some song on the radio, then onto another subject really fast. In the end, though, it just made me more certain that I've been stuffing my own desires and feelings down so that I don't upset others too much. In the past I wouldn't have noticed how I was being manipulated with his passive aggressive statements. Now, however, I'm becoming stronger within myself. I'm going to progress to an all raw/live diet someday. I'm not rushing it, because I want the transition to be a natural one for me and my family (especially my daughter). I'm not going to force it on either of them, but I'm going to offer up lots of healthy foods for them to eat. If they choose to eat mostly cooked food, then that's fine, too. I'm doing this for me. In the long run I'll become healthier and happier and that will be enough for my daughter to realize that the raw/live foods are something positive. We've been brainwashed into thinking that foods need to be cooked to be edible/healthy. It's so warped when you step back and look at that--cooked is better than fresh/live/raw food !
So, that's my rant that I needed to get out. There's a lot more feeling going on inside me than I can articulate about it, but I did the best I could. I know I painted my husband to be this complete jerk, but he really isn't.
* 1/2 cup soy/flax granola-type cereal with 1 cup soymilk
* Small salad with mixed greens, olive and flax oil, splash balsamic vinegar, sea salt
* Leftover swiss chard and tofu
* Raw snack bar (cashews and dates, mostly I think)
* Indian food (wanted to have this before going completely raw)--had one idli, 1/2 dish of malai kofta, 1/3 dish of aloo mutter (but I didn't eat the potatoes--nonorganic potatoes really scare me!!)
Below, we have included the original comments from this blog post. Additional comments may be made via Facebook, below.
On July 17, 2006, wrote:
This entry really struck a chord with me. I didn't see your husband as a jerk, but I did understand his reaction.
You see, a few months ago I decided to try being vegetarian for a month to see how I liked it and I've continued doing it since then. My wife while I think she respected my decision, finds that it bothers her a lot that I no longer eat meat. She repeatedly has asked whether I'll ever eat meat again, as if I'll change my mind if she asked on a different day. Don't get me wrong, she is health conscious and eats vegetarian meals with me at home. But I know she'll ultimately be happier if I ate meat again.
That being said, I suppose her response when I mentioned of the *possibility* of going vegan or raw wasn't surprising. She said I already eat healthy, and didn't understand why I was being so extreme. So I'm thinking it does make sense to talk about this less with her(for the time being) and focus on trying new and different foods/recipes that's closer to where I want to be eventually. She's open to that, and I'm hoping if she enjoys how eating these foods makes her feel (and tastes!) that she'll transition as well. But, I'm also prepared for the possibility that she won't change her eating habits from what she's doing now. At this point, it does little good to try and convince her otherwise and besides that isn't my goal. I believe each person has to ultimately decide what's best for them, and because we're dealing with family hopefully we can support and respect the choices we ultimately make.
Anyway, sorry to ramble but I guess I vented too. I just wanted you to know it felt good to read your entry, in the sense that we can relate to the situation a little bit.